Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
