Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
