Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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