When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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