if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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