went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
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