Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
