Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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