peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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