if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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