Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
