Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
