i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
