my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death