you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
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If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
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I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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