I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.