girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
