So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
