i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Randomize
