If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
