im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
