Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
