I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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