Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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