All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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