Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
