I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Semen is not good for contacts.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
