You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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