Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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