y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
