Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
