I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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