I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
