my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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