If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
