Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
