Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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