I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
