I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
