i just wanna soil my oats bro
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
