Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
