Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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