i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just had sex on a roof
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
