yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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