i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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