I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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