I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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