I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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