I am in a vortex of obligation.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
