Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
