I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
