A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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