ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
