Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
