You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
