My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
