Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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