She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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