o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
