i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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