I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
